I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
