I want to make a zoo with you.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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