Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
