I'm pants shitting drunk right now
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
