Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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