I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
