I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
