I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
