yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
