I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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