Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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