dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
