We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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