I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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