Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
