does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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