come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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