they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
