but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
