I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
