god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
