The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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