"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I need to stop coming to work sober
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
