Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
