You smell like stripper and shame
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
