i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Operation Purity has been aborted
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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