my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
