Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
