i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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