we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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