I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
