This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
