Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
