guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
