You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
