remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
