I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
