No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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