I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
