drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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