Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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