Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
