you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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