you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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