I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
