Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You ruined the universe
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
