in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
