If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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