my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
