I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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