my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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